How do we help our kids who fear failure? It’s a question many parents grapple with as they watch their youngsters grow up and try new things. Luckily, Dr. Michele Borba has written this guest post on how we can help girls overcome life’s early stumbles. Dr. Borba is a globally-recognized educational psychologist and parenting, bullying and character expert whose aim is to strengthen children’s empathy and resilience, and break the cycle of youth violence. She has delivered keynotes and workshops to over 1,000,000 participants and authored 24 books translated into 14 languages.
Helping Kids Who Fear Failure
One of the inevitable facts of life is that everyone makes mistakes. Granted, some mistakes are more significant than others and harder to get over, but they are a part of life. How individuals deal with those mistakes is significant to their self-esteem.
Children with high self-esteem appear much better at coping with their errors. Watching children with positive self-perceptions deal with an error is always a magnificent sight. These children literally stand up, brush off their knees, and say, “Well, I blew it. What should I do differently next time?” They recognize that a mistake was made and admit the error. Most importantly, these children also develop a strategy to change the mistake and not do the same thing again. What they do, in reality, is learn from their errors.
The process of making and learning from mistakes is an extremely valuable life skill because learning involves risking. Every time children risk, they will not always be right. But, because they’ve tried something new, there’s always the chance they will succeed. Each new success enhances self-esteem. Each esteem-enhancing experience refuels their desire to try again…and again…and again.
Children with low self-esteem deal with making a mistake quite differently. More often than not, these children use the experience to devalue themselves. “See, I told you I couldn’t do anything right!” is the way children with low self-esteem respond. Instead of looking at the error as an opportunity to learn, these children interpret the experience as a reason to quit and “never do that again.” The experience certainly was not self-enhancing; instead, it was self-devaluing.
The tragedy is that these children could have learned from their experience. If these children had known, “It’s OK to make mistakes…mistakes are how you leam,” the experience would have been seen in a different way. You can help your child cope with mistakes by offering her strategies to turn mistakes into learning opportunities. In the process, you can provide your child with an opportunity to enhance her self-esteem.
There are many ways parents can help erase the idea that “mistakes are bad.” Keep in mind that changing behavior takes time and consistency. Finally, remember that your own way of dealing with mistakes is the most important lesson your child can ever leam on the subject. What follows are some suggestions to help your child erase the fear of making mistakes:
Seven Tips to Help Kids Who Fear Failure
1. Make Mistakes “OK”
Tell Your Child, “It’s OK to make a mistake.” Too many children are suffering from perfectionism. They try to be perfect. When a mistake happens (as it’s bound to from time to time) the child is devastated and interprets this as meaning she is “unworthy.” Every now and then, tell your child, “It’s OK to make mistakes. It happens to all of us.”
2. Admit Your Own Mistakes
It is important for parents to admit they do make mistakes. Children see you as “all powerful and all knowing.” Obviously, parents do make mistakes, but, often-times, they keep them to themselves. Tell your child a mistake you’ve made recently. Discuss a mistake you remember making as a child.
3. Model Turning Your Mistake Around
Yes, parents make mistakes, but high-achieving individuals learn from their errors. As you admit your mistake, remember to tell your child what you will do differently the next time. You could say, “I made the mistake of… and this is what I’ll do instead…”
4. Share Mistakes of Famous Individuals
Anytime the opportunity arises, point out a mistake made by a famous individual so that your child recognizes mistakes happen to everyone. Books are rich with sources. Newspapers always have fresh ideas. Here are a few examples you could use:
~ Louisa May Alcott: Told by countless publishers that no one would ever read Little Women.
~ Beethoven: Told by his music teacher that he was hopeless as a composer.
~ Walt Disney: Fired by a newspaper editor for “lacking great ideas.” Went bankrupt several times and was told repeatedly to “get rid of the mouse because there’s no potential in it.”
5. Help Your Child Learn Positive Self-Talk
If you notice your child is very tense and concerned about making mistakes, help her learn to say inside her head a positive, affirming statement such as “I am calm and in control” or “I will try my best.” The more your child says the statement, the more she will begin to believe it.
6. Help Your Child Label the Mistake as the Problem, Not Herself
Often, the most self-devaluing part of making mistakes is not the mistake, but how the child chooses to interpret the error. Help your child admit she made a mistake (“I got this one wrong”) and then help her label the mistake as the problem and not herself (“I forgot the capital of Nevada”).
7. Plan a Strategy for Next Time
After your child can admit the mistake and relabels the mistake as the error (not herself), the final step is to develop a plan for next time: “This is what I’ll do differently next time. I’ll study the capitals ten minutes a night for the next two weeks.”
Michele Borba, EdD
Written by Dottie DeHart
Top photo by Jeremy McKnight on Unsplash
Second photo provided by Dr. Borba